Chapter 3 from my new book.

The following is Chapter 3 from my new book, just published. Go to my website at http://bobsmart.com to order a complete copy for yourself.

While I was writing about education in chapter 2, I found a lot of supporting data, both historical and current, however, with relationships between men and women, there is practically nothing. I suspect that one of the reasons for this lack of solid reliable information is that the people that write this type of material often depend on grants and approval from colleges and universities.

Political Correctness is alive and well in most of our universities and this Political Correctness is usually totally wrong about relationships between men and women, as it is mostly wrong about everything else.

Most of my comments in this chapter are based on common sense, observation, what seems normal and my personal experiences. If you are younger than I am, as I suspect most of my readers will be, you may not have had enough time to acquire all the experiences that I have.

Now that I am old enough to ask for the senior menu at most restaurants, I like the idea of the older generation passing on their wisdom to the younger folks. Passing on this wisdom is part of the reason why I have felt compelled to write this book.

Remember that although everything that I write here is something that I believe to be accurate and true, I don’t necessarily expect you to accept all of it. You may have had some personal experiences that scream out at you, that what I have written can’t possibly be true. If that is the case, it is alright, just continue reading and thinking, and keep an open mind.

Look at how I justify what I say and look for something wrong with it. Talk to other people about it and encourage them to buy the book. If what I have written causes a lot of people to start thinking about these things, then I will consider my efforts very successful. Getting you to think about these things is more important than getting you to agree with me.

What have I been observing?

Let’s take a look at a phrase that has caused a lot of changes in our society. The simple phrase “men and women are equal” or phrases like it carry a lot of emotional weight, but what does this phrase really mean?

Let’s remove some of the emotional charge from this phrase so we can examine it better. By using the word bananas in place of the word men and replacing women with the word peaches, we have the statement “bananas and peaches are equal.”

Now, if I place a banana and a peach in front of you and say, “This banana and this peach are equal.”

What is your reaction?

Well, first the statement doesn’t make a lot of sense. What do you mean by equal? They are different, how can they be equal? How are you defining the term equal so that they can be considered equal?

My response is, why should the statement “men and women are equal,” be considered a logical statement full of reason when the statement, “bananas and peaches are equal,” has no reason or logic? The fact is that men and women are different just like the bananas and peaches and the term equal makes no sense at all.

Well, if the phrase “men and women are equal,” makes no sense, why do we hear it so often?

Well, to begin with, most people do not stop and think about the meaning of the phrase, they just react and get this warm fuzzy feeling that this must be right. This warm fuzzy feeling translates into a lot of political power for the people that push this kind of nonsense.

The general impact of this, mostly in the big city, is such that I would hate to be a young man again. In talking with some younger men that I have worked with recently, I sense a feeling of discouragement and a loss of any will to succeed or to even continue trying.

Let’s look at something else. What is sexy? When a woman makes herself look sexy to a man or group of men, she will often slightly lower her head, look slightly down and possibly turn at a slight angle. If your favorite dog came up to you and did that, you would consider that behavior as submissive and probably give it a pat on the head.

Is it possible that when a woman is behaving in a submissive manner, she is actually driving the men around her mad with sexual desire?

Now what does a woman find sexually desirable? A big muscular guy, picking her up and carrying her off somewhere. She is not attracted to a display of submissiveness, in fact, quite the opposite. So women are attracted to strength and power in a man and men are attracted to submissiveness in women. That doesn’t seem like men and women are the same, does it?

Just think, in the dating world, why does the macho jerk of a guy get all the great girls and the guy who is sensitive to their feelings etc., often ends up with something less. Why did college girls, back in the 70s, pretend to be less intelligent than they really were? Why did women in business, feel like they needed to hide their earnings, if they suspected it was more than what their date made?

Is this all starting to make a little more sense?

Now let’s examine something different, which I will add to this equation later. I want to look at the concept of leadership.

What really is leadership?

Remember to ignore conventional wisdom and look at what really happens. Think about some meetings where the speaker or designated leader has not arrived yet. There is some coffee off to the side, obviously for the group.

What happened? Did everybody just get up and get some coffee?

Sometimes that happens, but often, only one person or possibly a few people will end up serving the group.

Think back when that happened to a group you were in. Where the people that got up and served coffee to the group, leaders? Maybe they weren’t designated as leaders at that time, but you and the rest of the group started to think of them as leaders.

Can we say that leadership involves serving and caring for those that are being led?

There is another very important part of leadership. Think of a small group of peers at school, or at work. Usually one member of this group of equals becomes the leader of the group.

Did that person force his or her leadership on the group?

Usually the group voluntarily gives the leadership position to the person that they feel will do them the most good.

An old English King said a long time ago, that his position as King or leader of the country was given to him by his subjects and he understood that they could take it away from him. Many of our political leaders understand that their position is subject to the will of the people.

It would appear that the leadership position is given to the leader by the person or people being led.

So, if this true, then leadership involves two things, the consent of the governed and that the leader serve and care for the governed.

It appears that being a leader is a tough job. Notice that those who are leaders are often driven to be leaders and are not satisfied with their lot in life, when they are not in that position.

How does this apply to the relationship between a man and a woman?

Suppose we took two politically correct creatures that were the same in every way except that the person we will call G behaved in a submissive way toward the person we will call B and Bs behavioral patterns demonstrated strength and power.

Which one is the best choice for the leadership position over the two people, B or G? Naturally, B is the obvious choice.

Does this mean that the man should always have the “head of household” position?

When you consider the physical and mental differences between a man and a woman, it seems obvious that the man should be the head of household unless his testosterone is removed and given to the woman.

When I was discussing this material with some male friends of
mine, the point was brought up, that a man who did in fact have the position of head of household, would not hesitate to give up his life to protect his family.

This tells me that the drive or forces motivating a man in this position are very strong, stronger than the desire for self preservation.

It would appear that the normal and natural order of things is that the man should be the head of household or leader of the family. A man appears to be attracted to submissive behavior in women and apparently women are attracted to strength and power in a man.

This leadership position in the man causes him to protect and provide for his family, even to the extent of giving up his life for his family.

Like a king or political leader, a man cannot take the position of leader simply by force. It has to be given to him by his woman, and what she freely gives, she can take back.

What about love?

In our society, it is commonly accepted that love is an important ingredient to a relationship or marriage. For women this is a relatively modern concept. Three thousand years ago, in the Jewish and Arab cultures, men were told to love their wives and women were told to respect their husbands.

What is love? In the beginning stages of a relationship, love would be the physical attraction where the woman is attracted to the feeling of strength and power in a man and a man is attracted to a woman’s submissive need for help and protection.

If the relationship is going to proceed in a normal manner, the woman will give the leadership position in their relationship to the man, which will result in strong feelings and desire in the man to protect and care for his woman.

Let’s take a minute to think about the beginning of a relationship as we have presented it so far. The man has been given the leadership position and has developed the feelings of support, protection and caring for his woman. The woman feels loved and protected by the strength in her man.

What can happen to a woman’s feelings when the man is hurt emotionally or physically?

I remember talking to a young man that had worked as an electrician. He said that he and his wife had a nice house and they had been married for a couple of years when he was seriously hurt in an accident at work.

He described lying in bed in serious pain as he partially recovered from this accident. Apparently, he will be disabled for the rest of his life.

He described how his relationship with his wife had been great before the accident, but when she saw him lying there in pain, she lost her love for him. He was no longer the image of power and strength that she had married. She divorced him and married the local pastor a short time later.

Back in the days when men carried swords and spears, a woman’s survival would have depended on the strength of her man. If he was hurt and could no longer defend her, then she had a choice, to either bring him back up to strength quickly or find another strong man.

So, this behavior, which I think is a very common reaction, is really a very natural response for women.

I suspect that most divorces happen when the man has some kind of setback. He may lose his job or get hurt and his strong image becomes tarnished. As a result, his woman loses her love for him, and, society today, seems to accept the idea that if you are no longer in love, then you should break up.

Back in the early days, in the Old Testament of the Bible, a man was told to love his wife and the wife was told to respect her man. Today, it is natural for the man to love his wife, but, this idea of respect for her man is a strange idea for many modern women.

Can a man easily turn off these leadership feelings of support and caring for his woman?

I think it becomes very difficult for a man, when he loses his leadership position. In fact, when a man has the leadership position taken away from him by his woman, the feelings of support, protection etc., do not leave easily with the leadership position. This often results in a lot of problems.

So what problems can occur when a man loses the leadership position?

Remember that what we are finding is that it is normal and natural for a man to be a leader in a relationship with a woman and that this normal condition will only happen when the woman gives her man that leadership position.

In our society it appears to be very common for women to take back the leadership position that they freely gave to get into a relationship with a man. Sometimes the woman will take the leadership position back, and continues to live with her man, but, more often she divorces him and sends him packing.

Remember that the man is naturally driven to be the head of the household, so we can expect a lot of frustration when the woman takes back this position from her man. Many men simply become depressed. Those men that have not been taught to honor women and never hit a woman, often become abusers, physically trying to force their woman to return this head of household position.

This frustration often causes normal intelligent men to behave in bizarre ways as they struggle with this problem that, for most men, they do not understand.

I have talked with and worked with many men, that are not gay, but have given up on having a woman in their life. When I questioned them, I found evidence of a difficult breakup that they have not been able to get over.

It has been my observation that many men in their 50s and 60s that are not living with a woman would fall into this category. I think it is difficult for a woman to get a man in this position to trust her and agree to become her man, although I am sure it is not impossible.

Occasionally the man will leave the relationship first.

One common way this happens is when a man is working as an executive or well respected boss, usually in some office setting. He can have a very attractive and very desirable wife that although, she still considers him the head of household, she often does not treat him that way.

She may accuse him of having the wrong priorities, when he puts work in front of some social activity or she may nag him to take out the garbage in a manner that does not give him the feeling of respect.

This boss may have a personal secretary that is not as attractive or desirable as his wife, but, because he represents power and strength, she will have romantic feelings for him.

Since he is the boss, she will always show the appropriate respect for him. This can result in him having an affair or dumping his wife completely for this secretary.

What about the children?

I suspect, that children can feel some confusion about their personal and sexual identity, when they live in a household,
where the man is not the head of household.

I have observed some married male friends of mine, that are clearly not the head of their household, having problems with a lack of respect from their children. This damages their ability to protect and guide their children as a father is supposed to do.

When a man is abusive toward his woman, the young male children, watching this abuse, will not have the feeling that it is wrong to abuse or hit a woman. So when they are faced with losing their leadership status they also will lash out and abuse their women as well.

Social workers have noticed that children from abusive families tend to become abusers themselves. I suspect that young girls will copy their mothers behavior, in taking back the leadership position from their men and also will be attracted to “men like their father” which, of course, puts them right back into an abusive situation.

A few years ago, I had talked with a young man concerning his view on dating and marriage today. He described his situation where young women had become much more aggressive in dating and “picking up a man.” I got the feeling that the women where much more frustrated now, then in the late 60s and 70s when I was dating.

When I asked him about marriage, he said he would definitely not consider getting married. He talked about a number of his friends that were faced with divorce and if they did not do what their spouse wanted, they could expect to be hit with child abuse charges.

In our court system, unlike murder or other crimes, if you are charged with child abuse, you are effectively considered guilty until proven innocent.

I read a report by a Social Worker that stated that natural fathers are rarely guilty of sexual abuse of their daughters. In watching the news, I have noticed that it is usually a stepfather that is found to be the abuser.

There are some notable exceptions to this however. I understand that there is a scent given off by female children that somehow discourages only a natural father and not a potential boyfriend or stepfather.

I wonder, how many men on the sex offender list are really just young men that picked up a girl in a bar that happened to be a 13 year old with a phony ID.

I had a young man, in my class at the prison, where I taught computer technology, who had spent the last 5 years of his life behind bars for child abuse. He was bringing his baby down a flight of stairs when he fell. The baby died as a result of the fall and the Social Worker charged him with child abuse.

Because of all the publicity over child abuse and the push to not let a single abuser get away with it, he didn’t stand a chance in court. He was effectively, guilty when charged and could not prove his innocence. He not only lost his baby, but went through the hell of prison and will be labeled a child abuser for the rest of his life.

What can we do to improve this situation?

When it comes to divorce and breaking up a relationship, I think the best thing we can do is to help a couple understand what is motivating their desire to break up and help them look at the big picture.

For example, lets look at a woman that is considering divorce because she feels that she no longer loves her man. Her man has become depressed over losing his job and no longer gives her the feeling that he is a strong and powerful protector.

I think it would help if she understood that she has a choice. She can either work on him to build him back up to the man he was and as a result her feelings for him would return or she can throw him away and go find another man.

If women in this situation understood the whole picture, how many would still choose to throw away their man?

In the earlier paragraph, I had talked about the executive boss that was looking at dropping his wife in favor of his secretary. If he understood, what was actually happening to him, would he consider sitting down with his wife and talking about it and possibly repairing the damage and restoring his marriage?

If you have been married and divorced a number of times, is it fair to place all the blame on your series of partners?

I remember a couple in which I heard the wife heaping verbal abuse on her husband. When I talked to her and got her to see that what she was doing was wrong, she agreed to stop it, but apparently, she did not stop.

A short time later she filed for divorce and I understand that she accused her husband of child abuse. Over the next 7 years, she went through many men and some she even married. I was not told about all of them, but I did heard about one that appeared to have paid her to leave.

The problem was that I was only hearing her side and then mostly through my wife who was somewhat “on her side.”

Had I not looked carefully at what was going on and “read between the lines,” I am sure I would have blamed all the men in her life as problems.

I think, as we look at human affairs, that it is important to try
to understand what is going on and to avoid putting labels on people, like he is evil or she is just bad etc. Putting this kind of label on a person locks them away and discourages any further attempt to understand why they behaved as they did.

I know that some people, like criminals with a mental illness, can be described as evil or bad, but understanding their illness can help you protect yourself from these folks.

Most criminals or career criminals are genetically programed( I will discuss this in more detail in a later chapter) to do what they do and we certainly should protect ourself and our loved ones from them.

What about living together and getting married?

The institution of marriage has taken a lot of hits and in my opinion is severely damaged. Because of the high divorce rate and all of the problems associated with that, a lot of folks have given up on marriage and choose to live together instead.

Today, for a lot of people. there is not a lot of differences between being married and living together. However, going through the process of marriage does add an extra level of commitment, which the casual living together relationship doesn’t have.

This is important, because, breaking up a long term living together relationship is just as emotionally difficult as breaking up a marriage.

Another important consideration is that your relationship, either living together or married, affects your community. A committed couple is treated differently than two singles by all their friends, working associates, public services (police & social services), and people wanting to sell them something.

A marriage document is a formal way of telling everybody that you are part of a committed couple and no longer a single person.

This is why a marriage ceremony is such a good thing. You formally tell your world that you are part of a committed couple and the vow or promises that you give are heard by everybody that attends your ceremony.

Now I can hear you thinking, “what about the high divorce rate”?

I haven’t seen any statistics on it, but I would strongly suspect that the breakup rate for living together is much higher than the divorce rate and breaking up, either married on living together is very difficult.

And of course, getting married is adding an additional commitment to your relationship.

What is my advice on dating?

Getting the interest of that person and getting that first date is a lot like a sales presentation. You will dress for the occasion and like any good sales presentation, you will promote your good points and tell little if anything about your weak or bad points. Of course we all do that and we all know that, but, how should the sales presentation go?

For guys, remember that ladies are attracted to strong and powerful. If you were just intimidated by somebody, do not tell her about it. Talk about your successes, preferably the ones that made you feel successful and powerful and she will read the body language that you want her to see. Frankly, a little arrogance doesn’t hurt at all, just don’t overdo it.

For the ladies, remember that men are strongly attracted to a lady that needs their protection and strength. The plunging neckline and the short shorts will only get his initial attention, but will not keep it. Once you are on that first date, it would be best to dress conservatively unless he wants to show you off.

Remember that a man is looking for a girl to protect, and it is easier to protect a girl that is not showing all her assets to the world. If he wants you to continue showing all your assets, he is probably not developing the proper feelings of protection for you, but instead, is looking at you as a trophy or possession. A trophy girlfriend or wife can be easily replaced when a better looking one comes along.

What should you do after the first date, but before you move in together?

I would suggest that you sit down together and read this chapter out loud to each other and discuss it honestly.

Fellows, if during this reading, your lady tells you that she is a strong feminist, women’s rights advocate or something similar, I would strongly suggest that you quickly show her the door. It will
save you a lot of grief.

You should also both go on the Internet and spend the $30 for a complete background report on each other.